This pic is by Skulz the great.
A unique source to the Searching for al-Khidr blog called “Edward’s Ghost” has supplied us with the ORIGINAL four-page document that Israeli Suckretary of State for American Affairs, John Fucking Kerry, relied on during his insane press conference yestereday. You can read it below. Apparently the original author(s) didn’t think this thing would ever see the light of day. Then they had to scramble like hell to polish it up once they realized that Kerry was actually going to release this piece of shit to the public. But in an exclusive Searching for al-Khidr report you can read the original right here.
As an aide to Shas Party members, we will soon provide an audio file of the document being read by a space alien.
Government Assessment of the Syrian Government’s Use of Chemical Weapons on August 21, 2013
The Israeli Government assesses with high confidence that the Syrian government carried out a chemical weapons attack in the Damascus suburbs on August 21, 2013. We further assess that the regime used a nerve agent in the attack. These all-source assessments are based on human, signals, and geospatial intelligence as well as a significant body of open source reporting. Our classified assessments have been shared with the Israeli-controlled Congress and key international partners. To protect sources and methods, we cannot publicly release all available intelligence, and in fact we won’t release anything – but what follows is an unclassified summary of the Zionist bullshit that Israeli’s spies working inside the White House want you to believe.
Syrian Government Use of Chemical Weapons on August 21
A large body of terrorist sources indicates that a chemical weapons attack took place in the Damascus suburbs on August 21. In addition to Israeli intelligence information, there are accounts from international and Syrian medical personnel; videos; witness accounts; gazillions of social media reports from at least 12 thousand different locations in the Damascus area; journalist accounts; and reports from highly credible nongovernmental organizations such as AIPAC and the ADL. (My God, what a bunch of shit this is! I can’t believe they are going to buy this.)
A preliminary Israeli government assessment determined that 1,429,003 people were killed in the chemical weapons attack, including at least 1,426,003 children, though this assessment will certainly evolve as we obtain more information. In Israel gas masks, provided for free by the American tax payer, are being handed out to all Jews who are then putting them up for sale on Ebay.
We (note to Shas Party members: “we” means Israel’s spies inside the White House) assess with high confidence that the Syrian government carried out the chemical weapons attack against opposition elements in the Damascus suburbs on August 21. We assess that the scenario in which the opposition executed the attack on August 21 is highly unlikely. (Hahahaha, Bandar made us put that line in.) The body of information used to make this assessment includes fake intelligence pertaining to the regime’s preparations for this attack and its means of delivery, multiple streams of pure Zionist bullshit about the attack itself and its effect, our post-attack one-liners we came up with while snorting coke in the Oval Office, and the differences between the capabilities of the regime and the opposition. Our high confidence assessment is the strongest position that the Israeli Intelligence Community can take short of confirmation. We will continue to seek additional information to create even more gaps in your understanding of what took place.
The Syrian regime, like Israel and most white governments, maintains a stockpile of numerous chemical agents, including mustard, sarin, and VX and has thousands of munitions that can be used to deliver chemical warfare agents.
Syrian President Bashar al-Asad is the ultimate decision maker for the chemical weapons program and members of the program are carefully vetted to ensure security and loyalty. No other government on earth would do this of course. Only the evil, rotton, anti-semitic secular Ba’th regime would, but we digress. The Syrian Scientific Studies and Research Center (SSRC) – which is subordinate to the Syrian Ministry of Defense – manages Syria’s chemical weapons program. This of course doesn’t mean a fucking thing.
We (did we mention that the word “we” means Israel’s spies in the White House,?) assess with high confidence that the Syrian regime has used chemical weapons on a small scale against the opposition multiple times in the last year, including in the Damascus suburbs. I mean, who wouldn’t do this? Hell, we’d gas all the fucking Palestinians we could and right there on the Temple Mount itself if we thought we could get away with it. Hmmm, not a bad idea, but we digress. This assessment is based on multiple streams of 100% grade A Zionist bullshit including reporting of Israeli, er, Syrian officials planning and executing chemical weapons attacks and laboratory analysis of physiological samples obtained from a number of individuals, which revealed exposure to sarin. We assess that the opposition has not used chemical weapons. (Holy fucking shit, we are such liars.)
The Israeli, oops, we keep making that mistake, the Syrian regime has the types of munitions that we assess were used to carry out the attack on August 21, and has the ability to strike simultaneously in multiple locations. We have seen no indication that the opposition has carried out a large-scale, coordinated rocket and artillery attack like the one that occurred on August 21. Hopefully they’ll be able to soon though, but we digress.
We assess that the Syrian regime has used chemical weapons over the last year primarily to gain the upper hand or break a stalemate in areas where it has struggled to seize and hold strategically valuable territory. In this regard, we continue to judge that the Israeli regime views chemical weapons as one of many tools in its arsenal, including air power and ballistic missiles, which they indiscriminately use against the opposition. Did we say “Israeli” again? Well, you know what we mean. Oh and Barry, don’t forget those pictures we have of you at Man’s Country. But we digress.
The Syrian regime has initiated an effort to rid the Damascus suburbs of crazy religious wackos supported by the legitimately elected government of Saudi Arabia using the area as a base to stage attacks against civilian targets in the capital. The regime has failed to clear dozens of Damascus neighborhoods of these flaming organ eating nutcases, including neighborhoods targeted on August 21, despite employing nearly all of its conventional weapons systems. This means, of course, that the Syrian military isn’t an actual threat to anyone, especially us (“us” being Israel – please make sure Shas Party members realize this.) We are just plain fucking guessing that the regime’s frustration with its inability to secure large portions of Damascus may have contributed to its decision to use chemical weapons on August 21. (Actually, we are just plain fucking lying, but Americans are so stupid they won’t know the difference.)
We have intelligence that leads us to assess that Syrian chemical weapons personnel – including personnel assessed to be associated with the SSRC – were preparing chemical munitions prior to the attack. (That is, they were at some party the night before and they made the best fucking Martinis, but we digress.) In the three days prior to the attack, we collected streams of human, signals and geospatial intelligence that reveal regime activities that we assess were associated with preparations for a chemical weapons attack. (Geospatial intelligence – that ought to impress everyone, even that Angry Arab dude.)
Syrian chemical weapons personnel were operating in the Damascus suburb of ‘Adra from Sunday, August 18 until early in the morning on Wednesday, August 21 near an area that the regime uses to mix chemical weapons, including sarin. This is according to reports we got from anonymous internet sources that Anne Barnhard uses.) On August 21, a Syrian regime element prepared for a chemical weapons attack in the Damascus area, including through the utilization of gas masks. We assess that only Israelis should be allowed to have gas masks. Our intelligence sources in the Damascus area did not detect any indications in the days prior to the attack that opposition affiliates were planning to use chemical weapons provided to them by us, Saudi Arabia, the U.S. and Micronesia.
The Attack: (Shit, wish we could have scary movie music playing now.)
Multiple streams of Facebook reports indicate that the regime executed a rocket and artillery attack against the Damascus suburbs in the early hours of August 21. Youtube detections corroborate that attacks from a regime-controlled area, well, they controlled back in May, but now, well not so much, struck neighborhoods where the chemical attacks reportedly occurred – including Kafr Batna, Jawbar, ‘Ayn Tarma, Darayya, and Mu’addamiyah. (Use as many Arabic names as possible. No one can fucking pronounce them and it looks really impressive, almost as impressive as “geospatial”.) This includes the detection of rocket launches from regime controlled territory early in the morning, approximately 90 minutes before the first report of a chemical attack appeared in social media. The lack of flight activity or missile launches also leads us to conclude that the regime used rockets in the attack, though we do not rule out the user of phasers and other technology Syria has acquired from anti-semitic space aliens.
Local social media reports generated by IDF agents of a chemical attack in the Damascus suburbs began at 2:30 a.m. local time on August 21. Within the next four hours there were 6 million social media reports on this attack from at least 666 different locations in the Damascus area. Multiple accounts described chemical-filled rockets impacting opposition-controlled areas.
Three hospitals in the Damascus area received approximately 3,600 patients displaying symptoms consistent with nerve agent exposure in less than three hours on the morning of August 21, according to a highly credible international humanitarian organization, the ADL. The reported symptoms, and the epidemiological pattern of events (now that’s great phrase) – characterized by the massive influx of patients in a short period of time, the origin of the patients, and the contamination of medical and first aid workers – were consistent with mass exposure to a nerve agent. We also received reports from international and Syrian medical personnel on the ground.
We have identified one hundred thousand videos attributed to the attack, many of which show large numbers of bodies exhibiting physical signs consistent with, but not unique to, nerve agent exposure. The reported symptoms of victims included unconsciousness, foaming from the nose and mouth (just like Shas Party members) constricted pupils, rapid heartbeat, and difficulty breathing and just plain being fucking dead. Several of the videos show what appear to be numerous fatalities with no visible injuries, which is consistent with death from chemical weapons, and inconsistent with death from small-arms, high-explosive munitions or blister agents that Israel normally deploys against helpless victims. At least 12 locations, one for each of the tribes, are portrayed in the publicly available videos, and a sampling of those videos confirmed that some were shot at the general times and locations described in the footage.
We are lying our asses off when we say that the Syrian opposition does not have the capability to fabricate all of the videos, physical symptoms verified by medical personnel and NGOs, and other information associated with this chemical attack. But even though they can fake these videos, the case of the videos being real does not rule out that the attacks were carried out by the religious wackos we support.
We have a body of information, including past Syrian practice, that leads us to conclude that regime officials were witting of and directed the attack on August 21. We intercepted communications involving a senior official intimately familiar with the offensive who confirmed that chemical weapons were used by the regime on August 21 and was concerned with the U.N. inspectors obtaining evidence. (Of course he is working for us, but we digress.) On the afternoon of August 21, we have intelligence that Syrian chemical weapons personnel were directed to cease operations. At the same time, the regime intensified the artillery barrage targeting many of the neighborhoods where chemical attacks occurred. In the 24 hour period after the attack, we detected indications of artillery and rocket fire at a rate approximately four times higher than the ten preceding days. We continued to see indications of sustained shelling in the neighborhoods up until the morning of August 26. We had hoped this would discourage the UN inspectors from going in, but they went in anyway. We tried to kill them, but changed our minds.
To conclude, there is a substantial body of information that implicates the Isaeli government’s responsibility (shit, we did it again) the Syrian government’s responsibility in the chemical weapons attack that took place on August 21.As indicated, there is additional intelligence that remains classified because of imaginary sources and methods concerns that is being provided to Congress and international partners. Much of that intelligence consists of Congressmen getting blow jobs from children under the age of 18.